I will have a blue Christmas without you

It’s Christmas Eve and TimeHop has reminded me of you; when I dressed you up as BoBo Claus and Madison as a sad looking reindeer. All of the toys Santa Paws brought you every year are in a toy box in the livingroom, some Madison and Seymour play with but you had your favorites for sure. Sad to say but the ratty old bat toy finally had to go to on vacation to the trash bin. I’ve been trying to get in the spirit this year by playing every Christmas playlist on Alexa known to humankind but it just isn’t the same. Everything is different now. They say it gets better but when does it? I still cry at the drop of a hat at inappropriate times, sometimes out of the blue. People ask are you ok and I have to fan myself with my hand or push my tongue to the roof of my mouth in hopes it will make the tears stop from falling down my cheeks. So far I’m losing zero points vs a gazillion tears. I finally took out the blue dress I wore the day you went to heaven and I’ve got it on. I needed to feel close to you and since this is the last thing I was wearing when you went to heaven it reminds me of holding you for your last breath. I did wash it in case anyone is wondering but I will always remember this as being my BoBo dress. I felt it appropriate since it’s Christmas, the dress is blue and I’ll have a blue Christmas without you. I miss you terribly.

BoBo Claus and Madison the Reindeer

We are going to Grannie and Bumpa’s next weekend. This will be the first Christmas in 13 years you won’t be begging for peanuts or sitting up on your hind legs like a prairie dog when Grannie plays the accordion for our entertainment. Seymour Wiener is in for a treat! I just hope he can handle the car ride let alone the accordion. He tends to puke in the car so I am not sure how the 3.5 hour car ride is going to go. He reminds me of you in many ways. He likes to lick between my fingers like you did. He likes to go in the trees in the backyard like you loved to do. He is also stubborn when it comes to potty training just like you were. He doesn’t mind getting dressed up just like you never minded, and Madison and Seymour are best buddies. That does make me happy although there will never be a replacement for you. You were one of a kind. You were my angel wiener. You are my angel wiener. You will always be my angel wiener sent from baby Jesus from heaven. I used to tell you that almost every day because I felt that way. I know he needed you back perhaps to welcome some of mama’s other friends to heaven. I hope Osh had one of his fun Christmas parties with some singsongs and you were able to join in on the festivities. Osh loved his Christmas parties. We loved going to his Christmas parties. Christmas is just a bit different this year for many reasons I guess.

Dolly Parton once said, “Figure out yourself and do it on purpose!” That was my mantra for 2019. You know I tried really hard to figure out my worth. I always struggled with my self esteem, my weight, was I ever going to be good enough. You were always there for me. I miss that. I knew when you were around everything was going to be ok and you loved me as I was despite my flaws. 2019 was definitely filled with many challenges for me; losing you as the biggest and also doubting myself and my abilities. I’m happy to say that I believe I have figured out myself and am doing it on purpose. I don’t think I ever didn’t know who I was but maybe got a bit lost with some bumps along the way. I’m a survivor. I care about others. I tend to put others before myself more than I should sometimes. I love music. I’m a dog mom. I’m passionate about things I care about. I’m worth more than what someone else thinks of me that doesn’t know who I truly am or what I’ve been through. I’m not afraid to speak up when I see something that isn’t right. I give with all of my heart. I am enough. I have worth. I have a purpose. I am ME. Not everyone is going to like me and that is ok.

I stumbled upon this quote below and am making it my 2020 mantra:

If you are trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy. Unless you want everybody to be happy except you.”


2020 is a big year. I will be starting a new job after the New Year with a different company, I have plans to get together with a few of my TFF Family members in England, I get to see Taylor Swift in LA with my sister for our sister trip and I turn the big 5-0 in August. I cannot tell you how excited I am for those adventures with the exception of my birthday! LOL Here’s to 2020 and new beginnings. And BoBo Ray, mama will always love you whether you are here with me or in heaven. Merry Christmas!

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